A miscarriage is not a subject that goes around much, you tempt to keep quiet about it because you either think it's a sore subject or it's not something people should speak freely about. I get it, when I went through mine I always felt that if I told anyone I had one their first response would be pity. "Oh I'm so sorry" "are you ok?" typically follow. I have always been the type of person that doesn't like when people feel sorry for me or feel bad for me. It makes me feel weak as if I'm looked down upon and I'm thing gentle thing on the ground. I'm not this gentle thing, I just went through one of the toughest things I've even endured.
When I first felt that something was wrong I didn't want to believe it, I wanted it to be just be nerves. I thought "well my first baby went great who's to say something bad will happen to this one". But us moms know, we just have a gut feeling when something isn't ok. Currently living abroad in a military base made things a bit more difficult, when I had my first baby wishing the first 8 weeks they had already set me up for an appointment to have an ultrasound and make sure everything is viable. Here they don;t give you that until 12 week which is pretty much a week away from your second trimester. So you go all these 3 months thinking if things are going as they should. I had such a bad feeling I paid to go off base to get seen, first at 7 weeks at which they said it seems maybe the baby is too small, measuring 5 weeks at most. That was so discouraging! Having to wait another 2 weeks to know if it's going as it should had me really nervous. At first my husband thought I was angry that they made me wait and I was being irrational but he just did't understand what I was feeling, to know that something isn't ok and not being able to get an answer is beyond torture. Every day I woke up thinking 'please be alive baby'.
Finally when my next appointment came it didn't look ok, it was as if my body didn't have everything to complete the pregnancy. They requested I went to see my own doctor and have they have a better look at what was going on. That same day I began spotting, I decide to check into the ER. I almost just wanted the confirmation that I wasn't crazy and I wasn't just overthinking.
The doctor did the most painful sort of examinations I can think of. Even the sonogram had to be a vaginal one which was painful. Finally after a few hours of checking blood and sonograms and everything they could think of, he slowly says "it seems your body is preparing for a miscarriage" They begin to tell you the typical "it's not your fault". But what if it is? Did I exercise too hard? Did I drink something i wasn't supposed to? Did the prenatal I took do something that it shouldn't have? Was I way too relax about it and didn't properly take care of my body the way I should have?
Your own mind can be your own worse enemy. You can kick yourself to the ground way worse than anyone else can. I quickly stopped myself from these awful thoughts and I told myself "it's NOT my fault." I didn't do this on purpose, I didn't do this to myself because these things are a course of nature and to me God just placed this in my path for a reason. His reason and that's all I should know about it.
The process to take it all in was difficult but I needed to toughen my skin a bit as I began to ask what the next step is. They give you all sorts of options to which my first response was the quickest way to get it over it. I decided to take medicine to help my body along the process, I got everything prescribed and decided to wait for the weekend when I'll be off work to do it at home. Well that friday I woke up with cramps on and off every 5 minutes. It reminded me of when I first went into labor with my son. They tell you it will feel like really strong period cramps. My first thought was that this was it, I spent all day in bed dealing with the pain and I bled non stop all week, this day it was large blood cloths. Thankfully by 5pm they stopped and I figured that was it. My body did it naturally I was ok. I went out with some friends and it helped get my mind off of everything. We got home around 2am and went straight to bed. Suddenly at 4am I woke up shaking uncontrollably with horrible horrible painful cramps. It hit me like a ton of bricks. They were labor pains. I remember them clearly, I woke my husband up almost nearly about to collapse in the pain. He quickly gives me of the pain medicine they had prescribed me for when I was supposed to take the medication on that very weekend. I puked it all out twice, it was awful. Nearly at 6 am after this pain kept going and not being able to keep any pain medication in I decided to go to the ER. Let me tell you, nothing is more annoying than being in pain and having them ask you to tell them whats wrong... Can you not see I'm in pain?
As they get me in and ask me a bunch of useless stupid questions like "how high is your pain on a scale of 1-10", they get me to a room in which they have me undress in a gown. At that moment the most blizzad thing happened to me. As I went to pull down my pants I felt something coming out. I pulled down further and there it was. The placenta, gestational sac or whatever it is. It was the size of my hand and I stood there watching it. Suddenly the pain went away completely. As I looked for something to put it in like paper towels, the doctor walked in and I just stared at him and said "this came out". He grabbed it and told me it was ok and asked if the pain had gone away. Then he took it and I was just in this shocked stage. The very same day I was 12 weeks along, it was gone just like that. In a way I'm glad it went naturally and in another way I felt upset that I wouldn't be pregnant anymore.
After that long day, more like a long week I had to be kept in with IV and under watch for a few more hours due to bleeding more than I should be. I got to have a small nap and finally I was able to go home. It had been the worse week of my life.
It was specially hard when you would see someone else pregnant and think to this day "I would've been 6 months pregnant" or "when I was pregnant this thing happened" specially to the people that didn't know. It's rough dealing with it but its something that should be spoken about as so many women go through it. They shouldn't feel alone and that was when I decided to speak openly about it, because it's not taboo and 1/4 women go through this. Spread love and awareness and know that that pain always remains whether it happened a few months ago or years ago. Support each other and acknowledge what they went through. Rest in peace baby girl Xo.
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